Local Member Survives Terrorist Attack

Mr Jimmy, a Killarney resident and observer of the political scene, writes..

The Rt Hon Tony Abbott, local MP and close friend of Prince Philip, was recovering in Canberra this morning after a vicious attack apparently instigated by two "wild Westies" from within his own party. In what appears to be a coordinated suicide mission by the backbenchers, the PM was ambushed and threatened with a "spill" once the party had worked out the process. Mr Abbott survived the unprovoked attack and emerged smiling and confident from the party room, surrounded by ecstatic supporters eager to say "nice things" about the Government when journalists call them, as instructed.

Hasta La Vista Baby

A good friend, Arnold Schwarzenneger impersonator and Finance Minister, Sen M Cormann was overheard saying "Say hello to my little friend". It's not clear if he was referring to the PM, although he did say that "Abbott's come from behind before" without being specific about what he was up to at the time.

Guidance From Above

In related news, Senator C Bernardi (Monster Raving Liberal Party) attributed the attack on our Dear Leader to a cabal of unnamed (except for M Turnbull) plotters and called for divine retribution, suggesting Mr Turnbull should be tarred and feathered, or  exiled to Manus Island, or at the very least go quietly. Since Mr Turnbull has pointedly said nothing throughout, he would seem to be doing the latter and as far as Manus is concerned, Mr S Morrison has advised Sen Bernardi that the venue is already overcrowded with blokes who speak funny.

Shortening Odds

Opposition leader Bill Shorten welcomed Mr Abbott's escape from friendly fire. Forget Paul Keating, he quipped, just wait until the next question time - my script writers are bound to have a few terrific one-liners teed up for me by then.